Nine New Year Resolutions That Are Bound To Fail and Why.
by Brian Moylan
On December 31 everyone is thinking about ways to improve themselves
for the coming year. Why bother? That will all be forgotten by February
12, and then you'll still have problems and be a failure. But we're here to help!
Most New Year's resolutions are fairly common, so we found replacements for all the basics. They're
fun, easy, and you'll be a whole lot better off following our advice
than trying to lose the same five pounds that you've been trying to
starve off for the last 5 years. Follow our easy steps and you may not be a better person in 2010, but you will feel better when you
don't have to throw in the towel.
Lose WeightQuit Smoking
Who Tries This: Fatties, single women, everyone
Why It Will Fail: We live in a fat world with
McDonalds on every corner, high calorie lattes in every cup, and trans
fats leaping out at you from every aisle. Also, you have no will power.
Alternative: Get on The Biggest Loser or a similar programme. Gorge on all your favorite fatty foods and get big as a house. As long
as you have a personality just as big, they will cast you. Then you'll
get fame, fortune, and a trainer to help you lose all the weight. It's
Who Tries This: Writers, masochists, cancer patients
Why It Will Fail: Just face it, the tobacco companies
and their poisonous chemicals are stronger than you. Also, smoking is
cool, glamorous, and fun. They even do it in the movies!
Alternative: Get one of those electronic cigarettes.
That way you can tell people you're not smoking for real but still get
the nicotine you love. No nasty fits or cravings. And you can 'smoke'
inside. Everybody's happy.
Find a New Job
Who Tries This: The unemployed, the underemployed, freelancers, people who hate their bosses, journalists
Why It Will Fail: It's the economy, you seed. The only
Job you're gonna find is the put-upon fellow in the Bible. That, and the fact that you still
have 'career objective' on your resume when everyone knows that at this stage, you'll take
whatever you can get.
Alternative: Find a great way to defraud unemployment.
If you can get a free cheque from the government and not have to do
anything, then good on you. All the cool, creative people aren't
working anyway, so you'll have some hip cats to go to the movies with
on a Wednesday afternoon and have the theatre to yourself! Just make
sure you find a way to stay out of jail.
Go to the Gym More Often
Who Tries This: Skinny guys, gay guys, EVERY. WOMAN.
Why It Will Fail: Lifting weights and running on a
treadmill is hard. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of red and some crisps is easy. Cruising the steam room is easy. And if you're
getting laid at the gym, why do you even need to bother improving your
Alternative: Get a partner that loves you for who you are and relax. You would know this makes sense if you've ever had a lunch of dry crackers and mineral water, or just a cocktail of steroids. If you're gay, you're sorted already - see above.
Spend More Time with the Family
Who Tries This: Working mothers, business men, middle managers, people who don't watch Mad Men
Why It Will Fail: Because all the people who aren't
reading this (and half of those who are) are trying to take your job.
If you're not putting in 60 hours a week at the office these days you
are expendable. So stop whining about missing soccer practice and get
back to work, you skiver.
Alternative: Redecorate your office. With all the time
you're spending there, you can at least make it nice. We suggest
putting in a doggie bed under your desk. It's perfect for naps/crying
in the fetal position.
Who Tries This: Idiots
Why It Will Fail: Because it's a stupid idea. The
economy is crumbling, the planet is collapsing, and the world as we
know it could end at any second. Drink up, buttercup. It's the only
thing that will get you through.
Alternative: Hope fervently that they find a cure for cirrhosis of the liver.
That way, you'll never have to quit drinking and humanity will be
Who Tries This: Girls, gay bloggers who want a rich husband so they can retire
Why It Will Fail: We don't want to get all He's Not That Into You, but you're not that desirable. And nothing kills a man's wood like desperation.
Alternative: Become a lesbian. Ladies, you can have
all the love and companionship you're looking for, but with another old
maid. It's perfect! You can talk about feelings all you want, and you
don't have to worry about how you dress or what you look like as long
as your cats get along with her cats. Okay, it may not be perfect, but there are worse things, right?
Like dying straight and alone apparently.
Who Tries This: Pseudo intellectuals, former English majors, people who don't have cable
Why It Will Fail: Reading is hard and boring and puts
you to sleep. Just wait until the first time you're at a cocktail party
and you start off a conversation with, "I've been reading The Luzhin Defense..." people will head to the door faster than you can blink.
Alternative: Become a reality show expert. All it
takes is some spare time, determination, and satellite or cable. And everyone talks
about reality shows. You'll be a huge hit whenever you go out. Well, if
you can tear yourself away from the TV long enough to re-enter society.
Get out of Debt
Who Tries This: Suburbanites, socialites, media-ites
Why It Will Fail: This involves scrimping and saving
and denying yourselves all the material pleasures in life. That sounds
boring. Nobody even works or has money anymore. Even all the rich
people who made money - City boys, Madoff's rich victims, property developers - are poor now. It's almost cool to have
a mountain of debt.
Alternative: Cure the gold crisis. We're not sure if you're aware, but gold is poisoning our country
and you should turn all of yours in and get some cash for it. In fact,
it's your patriotic duty! And don't you dare use the money you get from
your old fillings and grandma's ring to pay off your credit cards. Fuel
the economy by spending on a nice new pair of shoes. It's for Great Britain!